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Love is a many splendored thing and it doesn't pay

Monday, September 12, 2005


dear mr alexander,

even if i don't show it, my life is not a sea of dyspathy
and i just don't see how such sadness could stem from some selfish motive

Friday, January 21, 2005


Ok, I have one last point to make:

My sweet teenage romance is just that and nothing more

Sunday, January 16, 2005


*They literally rock my world*


You scored as Classic Rock.. Classic Rock.


Classic Rock.


Emo & More


Indie Rock






Punk and Pop Punk.






Hip Hop and Rap








Music Recommendation
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true true
not the emo part though : /


Goodbye LCA
that's terrible I know
I tell you I'm not going back, then I say I am, then I'm not
I know
but now it's for real
I may try for Simon's Rock, but I doubt I'd get in anyway
so I'm pretty sure I'll be at CHS for the next year and a half
which isn't all that bad
I have some people to talk to, and I know what classes I'll take next year
It's certainly easier. If you get an 85 average in a class senior year you don't have to take the exam.
So that's cool
I guess the IM will stay
that makes sense
but the LJ is done
and the hopes are dashed
not really
I just don't want to anymore : /
you should ask to find out I guess...

exams next week
3 wednesday
1 thursday, then I get to go home early
then nothing friday, so no school : )
I have lots to do tomorrow
cause you guessed it, I didn't stick to the schedule haha
I'm bad

SAT next saturday
that's good
I got in on the last old one
so I'm pretty much sure to get a 1400
not that it matters
Springfield isn't hard to get into
I probly could with a 1000
but it sounds nice anyway
and I won't be all stressed out next year

Semester ends thursday
that makes me happy
I'm sick of these classes
I have to get my schedule worked out : (
I don't like my guidance counselor
*We have block scheduling*
Here goes what I'm hoping for:

A US History II H2
B US History II H2
C Anatomy and Physiology H2
D Anatomy and Physiology H2
E Studio Art II - 2D & 3D
F Pre-Calculus H2
G Pre-Calculus H2

Then senior year 1st semester:

A English 12 H2
B English 12 H2
C Spanish VI H
D American Government/Politics H
E Exploring Early Childhood Ed II
F Psychology I
G On Your Own

2nd semester:

A Public Speaking
B Probability, Statistics, and Discrete Mathematics H2
C Spanish VI H
D American Government/Politics H
E Sociology
F Psychology II
G Legal Rights & Responsibilities

I really have no idea if it's even possible to have these course at these times, but I like how it looks
I'm sure things will change by next year
but for now
this is what I imagine

Things have changed so much in like four months... and yet they haven't changed at all...
I'm gonna try harder next semester I hope
that's all that's going on
I'll be around

12:00AM - It's over Johnny!

I think I'm done with this thing
It's caused me too much trouble
ok, so here's the last post ^

Friday, January 14, 2005


here's the quote I got from the movie

When you left here...
I thought you'd taken all
the beautiful things away with you.
But now...
now I realize...
that you left something behind for me.

I like it cause I think it applies to everyone how was in your life and isn't anymore.
You know what I mean?
It feels bad, but as long as you remember them
then they've effectively left something behind for you


this week went on for a long time
I have kinda of a lot of homework to do this weekend
I made a schedule
so if I use it, I should be fine

"Hey I give you my phone number, when you worry, call me, I make you happy."
How can you not smile at that?!
*big smile*

This is cool, how after exams I get a new set of classes.
I was really sick of these ones.
I need a change
I still have to get my schedule sorted out though
I should do that soon

I'm making a CD for my mom and her friends at work
*fyi* she works at whole foods in bedford, and they have way too much fun there.

That's everything I guess


Thursday, January 13, 2005

10:07PM - O your kisses still taste sweet, I hate that sadness in your eyes, but ain't it time we said goodbye

I just saw Eilzabeth's entry where she posts the picture of herself and a little boy she used to be in love with...

and it made me think of all my little friends and how much I miss them


I don't have ANY friends anymore

I don't mean any at all
but I don't talk to anyone I used to
and once upon a time I had so many friends...

I shouldn't think about this at night
cause I'll cry

although I'm finding that more and more lately, is doesn't matter what time it is, I cry anyway
whereas before it was only after dark

Tracy Chapman, Bob Dylan, Phil Collins, Bruce Springsteen, Billy Joel
They are my only remaining childhood friends.
...which is sad... cause they don't know me
and that is precisely why they remain


9:35PM - Whether times are good or bad, happy or sad

My brother has a pino-something sinus.
it's a congenital weakness, kinda like a hernia, but not really.
It's intestinal, not muscular.
It isn't life threatening, although it can cause an extremely painful infection.
It can be corrected by surgery.
I suspect that's what they'll end up doing.

In other news, the two of us are going blind simultaneously.
I remembered after a while how last year I couldn't see the homework on the board in math class.
Remember Jolinda?
So I suspect this hasn't happened quite as suddenly as it seems to have.
But still, it's gotten worse.
Marlon's eyes are worse than mine.
Life has always been unfair to Marlon.
When he was born, a valve in his heart that normal closes when babies start to breath didn't close. He was hospitalized for that and fluid in his lungs. Just the beginning.
He always had nose bleeds as a kid, and he got sick a lot more than I did.
We both broke our arms, but his was like a real break, and mine was a hairline fracture.
He was always the one to drink poisonous things lol
And he got stuck in the dryer.
*cracking up*
Just a while ago he had a really serious case of strep, which brought with it some rather serious symptoms.
And now this.

And I write about my pitiful life

very interesting

I think that is the way we can be sure that my problems are entirely psychological.
I either have some serious mental health issues, or I'm just a loser.
It's one or the other.
Take your pick.

I was tryna watch Il Postino with my mom, and she was gonna.
She said she would in a little while at like 6 when they got home.
We didn't start till like 8:30, cause she always gets important phone calls from family when we're gonna watch movies.
*I hate the family*
**Except Travis, cause he called, and I love Travis**
But anyway, yes, so we started watching it, and literally like 10 minutes or less into it, she's asleep.
She has narcolepsy.
Not really.
But it kinda makes you wonder.
She hasn't seen a movie in its entirety in forever.
So I got mad.

I should go to bed.
I've done enough complaining.
I'm just mad cause I don't do anything, and it's hard to remember when I had a life too and I didn't get home till 6 and then I fell asleep.

Ya, I should go to sleep.

*not laters haha*

Wednesday, January 12, 2005


What good are muscles if you can't see them
besides the obvious purpose they serve I mean
being a girl is no fun
stupid fat

today, I did nothing
kinda like yesterday
except it's later today, and I've still done nothing
tonight I'm finishing the great gatsby, which by the way is way better than the movie
I also have like 12 math problems, and what could range from half an hour to an hour of spanish homework
what have I been doing?
Oh wouldn't you like to know ; )
haha kidding
I watched Il Postino (The Postman) I'm on a foreign films craze if you couldn't tell. It takes place on some Italian island, and this postman, no duh, delivers mail to the exiled Pablo Neruda, anyway, long story short, he meets a girl, and Pablo helps him woo her, and just generally influence his life for the better. It was a really good movie. (Note to readers: The main character looks like Ralph Nader, so maybe I'm biased hahaha) I had a really good quote from it which I will post sometime when I find it. Once again, foreign films are good because you get to see other countries in a way you don't when it's an american movie. Maybe that doesn't make sense... anyway, good movie, funny (interesting note: It seems all of the foreign films I've watched have been funny, perhaps inadvertently. I suspect it's because they have all portrayed real life and real life is inevitably funny despite all it's misery.)
Enough of that
I'm really surprised no one asks me what that means
it's damn fyi
I gotta go
...not really, but I am
cause I have stuff to do


that picture of a loner actually looks like me in school

Tuesday, January 11, 2005


What'll you do when you get lonely
And nobody's waiting by your side?
You've been running and hiding much too long.
You know it's just your foolish pride.
you've got me on my knees.
I'm begging, darling please.
darling won't you ease my worried mind.
I tried to give you consolation
When your old man had let you down.
Like a fool, I fell in love with you,
Turned my whole world upside down.
you've got me on my knees.
I'm begging, darling please.
darling won't you ease my worried mind.
Let's make the best of the situation
Before I finally go insane.
Please don't say we'll never find a way
And tell me all my love's in vain.

That song sounds too good. Download it. Derek and the Dominos - Layla
Speaking of great songs: Tom Petty - Mary Jane's Last Dance (Listen to that too, it starts off with the perfect chords I swear)

Where was I
ok, today
...I did nothing... I went to school, same difference
I feel much better knowing Jessica didn't denounce me
I doubt she'll ever let me talk to him again... but at least she doesn't really think I'm a sicko
I think I'm gonna do homework tonight
I really do
isn't that exciting?
I don't know
I just have this strange impulse that says "just do it now"
nobody's home
I don't know when they're coming home
be whatever
I had this weird feeling today sitting in my room like, "I'm sitting here and the world is moving around me"
I had another thing like that to say, but now I can't remember
Yesterday at LCA, I passed Steph M on the stairs, and she was like
"Omg Michelle! You look gorgeous!"
And I'm like
"really? you think so? ...Cause I don't..."
And she's like
"Ya! Your face is so clear"
...So I acted nice, and said thanks and some other crap
I didn't know people actually looked at me lol
but anyway
I'm still ugly
that's ok though
just unfortunate
At CHS when you're a senior, if you have an 85 or above average in a class, you don't have to take the exam
that doesn't sound so bad...
I don't know what's goin on with my dad.
I don't ask, he doesn't tell
that's the policy
he wrote like a secritive letter and then had my mom proof read it
I glanced at it and then she like snatched it away
I didn't even know what it was
and she was like "I don't think he wants you to read it"
I have no idea what it's about...
it could be LCA
it could be to Travis
it could be anything
when I... haha, if I had kids, I'd make a it a point not to write secret letters
they sent a thing about scholarships for LCA next year
maybe that will remind him
...I don't get it, you can't forget a thing like that can you?
I did what he said, I'm getting god grades, I think my lowest is an 86, the rest are A's
So what do I do
I should probly just talk to him
but here-in lies my dilemma
if he just applied me, I'd go along with it
if it's actually me going to him again and again and pressuring him, then that means I'm sure I wanna go back
...... ... ...
and that's the most important question
do I even want to go back?
Come on people
actually forget that
I was gonna petition you or something, but I guess this is one of those decisions you're supposed to make by yourself
I'm just unsure about everything
About whether or not I can handle the classes, whether I'll do my homework
About having to face certain teachers, even if I don't have to take their classes
About an interview, if they'll make me do that again
About friends... that's a big one
I have some issues goin on there
I mostly just don't wanna end up like last year, feeling like I didn't have a group of people I could turn to for help with school. Everybody needs a support system right?
A bridge over troubled water
I have trouble asking
I need people to be there
I can't be having to search for them, and then to feel like I'm intruding
Maybe that's not even based in reality
I have issues asking for help, so I probly just FELT unwanted, people are nice, my mind just tells me something different
Anyway, getting all that out makes it clearer, it lays out what I need to think about and sort out
Does anybody have a take on this situation
seriously, like with good reason
cause maybe you guys can see that I'll just fall apart again or something
Advice is welcome
I should go


You scored as Loner.






Ghetto gangsta






Drama nerd






What's Your High School Stereotype?
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Monday, January 10, 2005

9:58PM - All the dreams we held so close seemed to all go up in smoke

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high

And it's been awhile
Since I could stand on my own two feet again

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means

And it's been awhile
Since I could say that I wasn't addicted
And it's been awhile
Since I could say I love myself as well
And it's been awhile
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and fucked things up again

Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day!

And it's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem to be I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry

That whole song isn't applicable
so I took what I wanted
what remains is a fairly accurate presentation of current feeling
it's too bad I can't use my own words


Jessica called around nine
the cool thing about her is she's always unexpected
anyway, she's ok with my "huge crush on Isaiah"
so things are going good on my end
we talked for a while and then she had to go...
I like Jessica phone calls because she's one of those people who no matter how long it's been, always makes it seem like you saw each other yesterday.
It's a gift she has I think
not everybody can adjust like that
I am glad she called even to talk about nothing
we had some laughs
this was pointless
but this is my life
I'm gonna go do what I've been trying to since 8


Going to LCA
this is always a long awaited yet tedious and awkward affair

Sunday, January 9, 2005


I've written so many entries and then not put them in


In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows.

Still the most beautiful thing I've ever heard


Just saw meet the Fockers
I don't know what to say
there were plenty of laughs, but the whole movie revolved around sex
foreign films are love
I have homework to do tomorrow morning
no surprise
at least I'm caught up on the great gatsby
I still have to pick up reading huck finn again
why is it so hard to finish that book
I thought it was pretty good when I was reading it
*my head is empty*
Ralph Nader's Unsafe at Any Speed is coming soon supposedly
it was ordered for christmas, but they just sent a letter saying it's coming
it's autographed
I love him
on of these weekends I should get something done
brilliant idea
ok, I'm thinking of like a schedule or something
some way to organize my time
that's an idea
I should go to bed
so I can maybe wake up and do something before I go waste the day in school
I'll be back before you know it

Saturday, January 8, 2005


Ok, I finished the movie
it was good, I'm just kinda perplexed by the ending
I think he's a really good film-maker
his movies have meaning, something we don't often see anymore in American films.

I've been thinking on this
two ships passing in the night metaphor lately
no reason really. It doesn't apply or anything... or does it?
no, really, it just keeps jumping out at me at random moments


I keep going into my room and thinking there's someone in there
which is stupid cause there isn't... or is there?
enough of that
ya, I'm just paranoid
we have too many doors in this house to remember to lock, and I was brought up by a man with a self-proclaimed sixth sense for danger.
I guess I've never really felt secure in the world
In preschool we were warned of the danger of strangers
oh yes we learned all about strangers


I have a lot of homework to do tomorrow
I should stop saying that
saying a lot makes me not wanna do it even more
I actually don't even know how much it is
it could be next to nothing except for reading huck finn
ya, I still have half of that to go

Ok, back to the movie
I like this guy's movies also cause he's iranian and they're all filmed in Iran and they speak either Farsi or Persian.
It's cool to hear other languages, and you get a perspective on other cultures you can't get from an american movie made elsewhere.
It's like a sociological adventure in two hours
Even though my dad doesn't like subtitles I'm gonna go search foreign films on netflix


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